holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
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In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle