It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
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i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Dear Lord..
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name