BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
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Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
just having fun
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
My current situation
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
im all 3
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?