Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
You Might Also Like
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards