*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
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Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted