A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
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My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.