Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
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I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim