Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
You Might Also Like
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.