*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
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i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
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Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.