-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
You Might Also Like
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there