To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
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Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity