Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
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My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool