[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
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Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.