My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
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Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes