I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
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me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.