[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
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If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
giddy up Office Depot
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Did I do this right
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*