This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
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me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow