Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
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[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Good morning!
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.