I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
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Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.