No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
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Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here