Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
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All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Legend 🤣🤣
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
hackers play passwordle
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.