Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
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ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.