Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
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You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*