Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
You Might Also Like
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?