Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
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My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.