If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
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[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
security at the airport getting more straightforward
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Well, that should do it
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.