I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
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7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.