Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
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I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.