Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
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GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.