Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
You Might Also Like
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.