[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
You Might Also Like
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…