“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
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They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.