I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
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What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Siri, fight Alexa.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
There are no pants in heaven.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.