Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
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judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.