馃檹馃従
You Might Also Like
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don鈥檛 understand why I can鈥檛 have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don鈥檛 understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I鈥檝e wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Breaking news:
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
I鈥檒l take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Me: Accept your flaws. You鈥檒l feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
If I鈥檓 suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it鈥檚 only because I want what you鈥檙e eating.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here鈥檚 a bouquet. i鈥檒l be rotten tomorrow
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don鈥檛 remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It鈥檚 Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
john denver: 馃幍life is old there. older than the trees.馃幎
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 馃幍younger than the mountains馃幎
me: oh not that old then.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*