why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
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my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Ironic
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!