[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
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*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody