I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
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I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.