-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
You Might Also Like
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Morning my dudes.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul