A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
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Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.