respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
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Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.