Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
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The Person Who Discovered Sharks
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
At least he brought enough for everyone
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical