[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
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*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”