“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
You Might Also Like
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.