I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
You Might Also Like
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match