My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
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Me after 1 airport cocktail:
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts