The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
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Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
What if all the cashiers are married?
*puts my mental health in rice
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy