Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
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Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”