There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
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My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Me recordaron éste meme
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler