A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
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My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
This is me
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance